Вицове на чужди езици

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

The perfect formula for staying safe at home:

I've torn out my alarm system and un-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

[komisar]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Обнаружив на мобиле 20 пропущенных звонков от жены, начинаешь понимать, что технический прогресс имеет свои минусы!

[BatGeorgeone]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

She was sixteen and I was fourteen . In spite of the age gap she had agreed that we could visit the local woods together for some mutual exploration. It was evening time and dark so I used my lighter (young smoker, bad!!!) to help me see the view. This was my first live muff and I had never seen so much pubic hair in my life. I looked up and asked her:
'Can you really pee through all that ? '
'Of course', she says, 'Why?'
'You better start,' I said, 'I've just set it on fire.'

[ak101]

От: Вицове

Maлко черен хумор.
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation of $10 and we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!

[swartalf]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Oral makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak

[BatGeorgeone]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

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Произход СМИ в Интернет

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[Absolut]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face whenever I'm dreaming.
That's why I usually wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother...

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

I wanna to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag offa your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling these lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A guy walked into a crowed bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "I want to know who's been screwing my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

[musovir]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Странного иракца, бредущего по пустыне в белой форме незнакомого образца, они заметили сразу. Весь взвод, укрывшись за "Хаммерами", долго рассматривал его в бинокли, пытаясь обнаружить оружие, но тщетно. Похоже, сошедший с ума от ужаса, он брел, сам не зная куда. Из сострадания к несчастному, решено было отвезти его в госпиталь. Разведчики быстро догнали одинокого иракца и окружили, разглядывая старомодную выцветшую форму и совершенно нелепую на их американский взгляд фуражку.
Позднее единственный разведчик, выбравшийся живым из этой ужасной бойни, рассказал, что иракский смертник, перебивший весь авангард американской дивизии, повторял перед боем и во время него странную боевую мантру:
- Zdravstvujte, lubjeznaya moja Katerina Matveevna

[drukman]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

А кой не е гледал Белое солнце...

[Иван Горчев]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X. She's never coming back, and don't ask Y.

[turtey]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

А кой не е гледал Белое солнце...

ведь от тайги до британских морей, красня армия всех сильней

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then made passionate love to her, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her waist.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, �What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Иван Горчев]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

IBM - I Blame Microsoft!